You see it all in this lifestyle, or whatever you choose to call it. The profiles. The people. The first meetings. The experiences. The fallout.
Throughout our journey we’ve seen more than we ever knew was out there, and we’ve gone places within the confines of our relationship that we didn’t know existed. It has been wonderful, awful, beautiful, ugly, exciting and painful all in one.
If you are new on your journey you are probably excited at the prospects that line the road before you. I know I was. And that’s good. That’s part of the experience. It’s part of what makes this such an enticing possibility.
I can’t tell you what your experience will be like, but I can tell you what ours has been like.
As I mentioned in my post yesterday one of the best aspects of this for us is how open our communication has become. We’ve always been good at sitting down and hashing things out through talking it through. But this was different. Where as before I would have held back certain details for fear of making Mrs. P uncomfortable or uneasy, I now realize that those details are where the truth so often live! Keeping those details to myself was not only me trying to protect her in some noble, chivalrous way, it was also me protecting myself. If I hold some things back, I have plausible deniability later. I can plead ignorance, innocence or whatever I like. But if I put it all out there, then I have shown all my cards. I have exposed myself completely, and that view is not always the most flattering. That kind of honesty takes an immense amount of trust.
Speaking of trust, this is another aspect of our relationship that has taken some major hits at times, but has become stronger through this process. Mrs. P is not a suspicious person by nature. She has always trusted that people will ultimately tell the truth, or that they at least want to. Because that’s what she would do. She is the most honest person I’ve ever met. And sadly she had to learn the hard way that not everyone possesses or even wants this attribute. We’ve met so many liars. People who claim one thing and then do exactly the opposite. People who pose as a couple when they are in fact single. People who send a picture that is either 15 years old, or that looks nothing like them. People who say they would never ignore you after getting what they want, and then do exactly that. And a husband who swears he is on the level and ready to commit to honesty, and then lies.
That guy was me, just in case you nodded off during that last paragraph. I told her I trusted her, but then did things that proved the exact opposite was true. I told her I had cut things off with another woman who she did not approve of, when in truth I was fucking her. I was the lowest of the low. A cheater. A sneak. So many things that I don’t like in others, I exhibited.
It eventually came out, but not because I offered the information up. I was willing to take it to my grave. Someone else outed me so I was forced to confess. It was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done. The fallout was horrendous. The hurt unimaginable. I fully expected her to leave me. I deserved it, no doubt. And it wasn’t for reasons that most people associate with cheating. It wasn’t because I had been with another woman physically. It was because she approached me about it, told me that she thought it was going on, and I told her it wasn’t. I lied. And worse, I made her feel like she was losing her mind because her intuition was telling her one thing, and I was telling her another. The dissonance this created for her was cruel and terrifying. Ultimately she decided to stay with me, partly because she loved me and partly because she trusted that I could turn this around. That I could become a better person. That I could reach my potential, or something close to it.
This lifestyle will make you do things you aren’t proud of if you’ll let it. You’ll lie, cheat, sneak, manipulate and hurt others if you let yourself. It takes a tremendous amount of self-control to stay true to your ideals. The best advice I can offer is to made a decision early on about what you are and what you aren’t willing to do, what you want and what you don’t want, what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. Refuse to compromise. That’s not to say that your boundaries won’t change as you gain more experience and progress on your personal journey, but don’t abandon them. Take them out often, study them, ponder them, reflect on them and try them on. If they still fit, keep them. If they don’t alter them as you see fit.
Oh damn! Is there some ugliness out there. And I’m not just talking unattractive folks or ugly behavior. I’m talking about some shit that is straight up crazy. Here is a small sampling of some things we’ve seen, heard or experienced. You can guess which one fits into which category.
Two couples agree to meet. Arrangements are made. A meeting place and time are set. Couple #2 shows up and they are unrecognizable. The pictures they had shared are no less than 15 years old. They are old and rather grey, which is no big deal so long as you share pictures to match. And even more shocking, Husband #2 missing an arm.
When it is mentioned that this is information that should have been shared, Wife #2 gets angry about how shallow Couple #1 is for even noticing that he is missing a limb. Again, not necessarily a big deal, so long as you maybe point that out in your earlier communication. Maybe take a picture that reflects that situation. Just sayin’.
Or how about a man who is contacted by a woman who proposes he partake in a threesome with her and her daughter. Pictures are provided, and they’re hot! Sounds like a winner.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, maybe he should have known how unlikely the legitimacy of this contact was. But fellas, are you telling me you wouldn’t have been even a little bit curious?
So he goes, and it is a woman and her husband. Both, as he described them, “old and haggard looking”. Turns out the husband wanted to watch him fuck his wife. Instead our courageous adventurer smoked all their weed and left.
Then there’s the couple that was contacted by a decent looking guy, around 30 years old. Could be fun, as he is unattached and seems relatively sane and intelligent. So the husband gives this guy the instruction manual on how not to screw this up. Something along the lines of, “don’t ask for nude pictures, and don’t send pictures of your dick.” Hell, I’m no smarter than any other man, and I can follow those directions. How hard could it be?
Pretty hard apparently. Within the first 30 minutes of them chatting, he sends 12 pictures of his dick and asks for a picture of her pussy so he can jerk off to it later. When she informs him the next day that she is not interested in getting together he is absolutely shocked. He literally cannot figure out what he did wrong.
This is just a small sampling of some of the crazy shit we’ve either experienced or heard from people we’ve met. And these are tame. They get so much worse.
My advice, however unsolicited it might be, is to set a reasonable pace, be wary of everyone until some trust is built, and operate only within your boundaries.
And be sure to write some of what happens down, because it will make a good story one day.