Harder than it looks

Hey, get your mind out of the gutter!

I’m talking about any sort of ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.  Aside from the horrible social stigma associated with both the poly and swinging worlds, there is the inherent difficulty in finding someone you click with well enough that you want to invest in them.  And that’s what it ultimately takes:  investment.  An investment of time, energy (both physical and emotional), sometimes money.  It all adds up.  Whether you’re poly, or a swinger, this isn’t an easy endeavor.

As I stated in my original post, I tend to identify along the lines of a swinger, while Mrs. P stands on the poly side of the fence.  Neither of us are hardliners.  We just have our preferences.

Our journey began from a swinger mentality.  We were really interested in exploring something different.  Something that was unlike anything we had ever done before.  And swinging was it.

Our first exploration, though ultimately disastrous, was with long-time friends of ours.  We had known them forever.  They lived and continue to live nearby.  It wasn’t even remotely strange for us to spend time with them on a Friday or Saturday night.  It didn’t raise eyebrows in our community for people to see their car at our house.  So in terms of convenience, it was ideal.

Money wasn’t an issue because we didn’t have to travel to hotels, clubs, bars or anyplace along those lines.  It was BYOB, which is about as cheap as you get.  Aside from an air mattress I bought for him to fuck Mrs. P on, the cash outlay was minimal.

There was a tremendous emotional investment as these were close friends of ours, and we all four were travelling in uncharted waters.  Emotions ran high.  Jealousy took its toll.  Long conversations were necessary, though not always performed.  It was exhausting.  So in that way, it did take time.  Time to think it through, build relationships that differed from their previous incarnations.  Time to communicate with one another.  It was very consuming.

Ultimately it failed, so we were back on the hunt.  We presented ourselves as a couple, looking for a couple.  What an adventure that can be.

If you are in the swinging lifestyle for any length of time you’ll hear and see references to “unicorns” everywhere.  A unicorn is a single, bi female.  She’s willing to be the third in an already established relationship.  She plays with the woman.  She plays with the man.  She plays with them together, or possibly individually as the situation warrants.  And then she goes away.  No strings attached.  It’s basically the holy grail in the swinger world.  It is even referred to in poly circles, though it is considered controversial.  Some say it is just fine to look for a unicorn to complete a triad.  Others say it is demeaning and fundamentally devalues the person who is being sought.  To each his own, I say.

But we weren’t looking for a single bi female.  Mrs. P is very straight.  She’s not even bi-curious.  So this should be easy, right?  Wrong.  In our experience the true unicorn is finding another couple and developing a situation in which all parties are interested.  Generally one person from one couple isn’t into the person they need to be into and it ends up being a deal breaker.  And even if all parties are attracted as necessary, there’s the additional layer of the two men getting along, and the two women getting along.  It’s just a huge dynamic to try to manage.

We’ve had some close calls.  A couple about an hour away was our first.  We met them about a year ago at a bar after chatting online.  Mrs. P liked him pretty well, and he seemed to like her.  I liked the wife pretty well, and she seemed to like me.  It really looked like it was going to work.

I will say that they physical attraction we had to them wasn’t great, but it was enough that we wanted to move forward.  So we did.  Our next time seeing them was going out to get pizza, then back to their house.  They had no children, so they hosted, which was nice.  We had decided that we would get physical with them, but not have intercourse.  For some reason that seemed like a reasonable place to draw the line.  Not really sure why, looking back.  But we informed them, and everyone consented.  After eating pizza and having drinks we returned to their house for additional drinks.  Within 15 minutes she and I were in a guest room completely naked and having a grand old time!  No intercourse, but everything else possible.

After a few hours we left, and we had an hour car ride to talk, which is also nice.  It’s a great time to debrief each other.  Sort out our feelings.  It turns out he was a little more passive than me.  She eventually had to ask him to kiss her.  And he did.  They kissed, had some petting, but nothing more.  Mostly talked, which isn’t all bad as Mrs. P likes to develop a connection, and she does that through conversation.  We decided we would see them again.

The second outing was at their house.  They made dinner and we had drinks.  Within 15 minutes of dinner ending she and I were in the same room upstairs, and we were fucking.  We went at it for a few hours, having a really nice time.  She was fun and funny, not afraid to laugh and joke around, which is important to me.  I mean, when you really think about what it is you’re doing and how ridiculous the whole thing is, you have to laugh.

At one point she and I heard Mrs. P and the husband coming upstairs and going into the master bedroom.  Shit was going down!  Good for Mrs. P!  Apparently husband mustered up some gusto and was making his move.  A couple of hours after they came upstairs it was time for us to go, so we left.  I got in the car and gave Mrs. P a big smile and asked her how it was.

Her response?  “Nothing happened.”

What?  How is that possible?  You were alone in a bedroom with him for 2 hours!!!!!

Apparently he had taken her to his bedroom, stripped her naked, took off his clothes such that he was down to boxers and a t-shirt, kissed her for awhile, then showed her photo albums for 2 hours.

I can’t make this shit up folks.

He actually said, “Is it OK if this is as far as it goes?”

What could she say?  No?  So she laid there, naked, with the lights on, while they looked at photo albums.  And let me take this time to point at that Mrs. P is a very attractive woman.

After trying to make sense of that the only explanation I could come up with is that he was over-excited, and had also been drinking, and was having performance issues.  I’ve been there.  It’s not fun.  It’s embarrassing and frustrating.  But guess what, if your cock isn’t going to cooperate, there is nothing you can do about it short of pharmaceutical intervention.  When this has happened to me, I simply tell the woman.  Apologize.  Assure her that it has nothing to do with her, because it doesn’t.  And offer to do anything else she wants to do.

He didn’t do that.  Which left Mrs. P confused.

Ultimately all he would have had to do was let her know that he still wanted to be with her, and we would have seen them again.  Instead, the next time he spoke with her he blamed her.  Told her that she was too sensitive and jumpy and that it weirded him out and that’s why he stopped.  No one before or since has had this problem with her.  So I’m not sure I believe that.  Either way it doesn’t matter, because his willingness to cast blame was enough to kill it.  It was dead.  We never saw them again.

Since then we have looked and looked.  We have met a few couples, but nothing has worked.  We met one couple at the club and struck up a conversation.  Ended up dancing and kissing.  Chatted quite a bit and decided to meet for drinks in the vanilla world.  We had a nice time and decided the smart thing to do would be to meet at the club again, so we did.  It was fun, but the wife was on her period (hey, shit happens).  We decided to go to a private room anyway.  She wanted to watch husband and me fuck Mrs. P.  Sounded great to me!  Sadly, Mr. Whiskey won the night, as neither husband nor myself was able to perform.  You win this round, alcohol.  Ultimately we still had a great time and decided this might be a thing.

We made plans to meet again at the club since it was the most convenient place and all of us enjoyed dancing (poorly).  However, about two weeks before that something happened.  Husband took to telling Mrs. P that she wasn’t responding appropriately to his texts.  He literally tried giving her a tutorial on what she should say.  All of it had to do with complimenting him on his incredible intellect, manliness, huge arms, etc.

Are you fucking kidding me?  Who does that?  How narcissistic can a person be?  So, as you can imagine, that was the end of that.

So, back to the drawing board.  We continue to look, online and at the club.  But it’s harder than it looks.

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